After a lot of school- and soul-searching, we’ve settled on a plan for the big guy for next year. But it’s hard to imagine him doing well in any conceivable school when he’s been ill for months, when his being ill invariably correlates with hard-to-manage behavior changes, and when those have been deteriorating faster lately. The way it’s manifesting is currently less destructive and dangerous than it was at its worst — his coping skills are somewhat improved — but we thought we were closer to being out of these woods, and now we’re firmly back in them. He’s being kept home from school for at least some weeks, in the hope that at some point he’ll be healthy enough to remember how to listen to the grownups in charge, follow the rules, be safe for himself and others, and enjoy his last few weeks of kindergarten. The way things are now, home life is disrupted like it was a year ago. It’s hard for him, hard for his siblings to be around, and hard for us to manage day in and day out, on top of which we have to tolerate still not knowing what’s keeping his body from getting well. We want him to return to health so that his behavior can also return to health, so that his siblings have good examples to follow and space and attention for their own needs, and so that we can take a deep breath. And hopefully a long break from crisis parenting.

When it’s like this again, our world shrinks again. My constrained personal bandwidth also impacts my own health needs, which are several: weight, blood pressure, chronic nose and throat inflammation, and bad sleep, to name the big interconnected ones. They’re all getting some attention; they all need more. I count myself lucky to still be learning and recording tiny piano pieces. The piano itself is in bad shape, but there’s no time (or money) to be able to care about that. I get maybe 20 minutes each week to put something together. It ain’t much, but it might be what’s keeping my lid mostly attached.

What’s this?

It’s a /now page.

nownownow.com is a directory of people with /now pages. I’m listed there.